Dairy of a Wimpy Wizard
by potatogod14
Summary: A kid remembers his past life and falls into a a variety of complicated situations with the crazy side of the mystic. Watch as Stoen the stone try to survive using only his extraordinary sense of common sense and cliche. Warning: this is a mixture of Lovecraft mythology, Dresden files, Asian folklore and Greek mythology. many things in this story would not follow canon settings.


Dairy of a Wimpy Wizard: Prologue

I remember reading an article about the reliability of testimonies from patients who experienced visions during near death accidents. In 1967, a girl who lived in California claimed to have re-lived 2 years of her past life while she was unconscious after being hit by a speeding truck. She testiﬁed that she was an unnamed student of the Buddha who's favorite past time activity was meditating upside down from a rope. It may sound sketchy but apparently she recited entire books of teachings about karma without missing a single vowel or letter while sustaining herself on a piece of rope with just her feet. The strange case caused much confusion among psychologists, but they concluded that her "past life" was a "ﬁgment of her traumatic life experience synthesizing with her reading about karma from her school library". Although the writer wasn't really convincing with his zealous claims that the doctors were quacks, there was a certain appeal to the story and it gave me the impression that he was, in fact, correct.

"I think it's too far fetched to be legit Stone, even for you. The author is probably some old nutcase from a secluded sex cult."

... I ﬁnd offence to your statement

"Look, it's just some loony talk from a nutter. There's no way anyone sane would ever believe something like that. But I'm kinda surprised that you even considered it to be true. I mean you're the logic guy who argues about the logic of everything! You even argued about of using the rough side of toilet papers when wiping your ass! I'm pretty sure that's as far as anyone can go with logic."

Wiping your rear end with the rough side of a paper is a logical decision and you should consider it. And I do not argue about logic with people. I preach it. I ﬁnd it as my responsibility as an intellectually advanced individual to relay the impor-

*bbi ri ri ri ri ring ring di di di di*

"And that's my Que! See you tomorrow Stone! I've gotta go to the gym now! Bye!"

My tall and buff friend rushes out of the school gates without giving me a glance. Despite his obvious lack of intelligence his advanced physical capabilities truly shine out when he dashes out of school like a rabid canine.

"Was that David? Why is he running like an idiot on ﬁre?"

He is one.

"Well I know that, but he looked reaaaally extra dumb today. Like a dog with extra strong rabies."

... knowing his painfully obvious tendencies towards sexual perversions, he is most likely waiting for the transfer student to come out.

"Oh, you mean Alice Helsgate? The girl with silver hair? I heard that she is in your class and REAALLY pretty, like super model level of pretty."

Yes I do mean her. I ﬁnd it quite ... peculiar that everyone is so receptive of her arrival. It's the last week of school and a top student from a prestigious school in Japan abruptly transfers to our school? A school in the middle of nowhere with just trees and mountains? Doesn't it sound suspicious to you?

"Pfft, you're always so paranoid Stone. It's always "That government institute is ﬁshy." or "This item has conspicuous parts in it." or "That girl has too sexy of a butt to be natural". Can't you think of something that isn't an evil plot to take over the world or something?"

I do not recall of stating that last sentence of yours. As an answer to your inquisitive curiosity for my choice of interests, I would like to inform you that perception is an important and crucial constitutional quality for every educated citizen of the 21st century. Faulty data is inevitable in the age of information so I advise you to maintain a wary stance when you-

"Yeah yeah I get it Stone. Always be suspicious about anything. Anyways I just remembered what I was bout to tell you about! I'm gonna go shopping for the dance next week at our school festival. Would you like to follow me? I'll buy you a beer!"

Underage drinking is not rec-

"Ugh. This is why everybody calls you Stone, Stone. It's like talking to a piece of stone. Aaanywaay I guess I'll see you later tomorrow than! And try checking out some girls in your class! Some of them have really nice asses! You'd be waaay better off thinking about asses than loony conspiracies everyday! See ya later!"

... incompetent fools. Why do I even care for them in the ﬁrst place? Those idiots would have been dead a long time ago if I hadn't saved their ungrateful lives all these years.

Unfortunately, according to popular belief, or at least, the belief of the residents of the mundane world, every single conspiracy theory are lies. Along with those theories all folklore and legends are lies and as real as an faerie named Toot-toot. They all say "It's too far fetched", "That's BULLSHIT!", "You're really immature." or-

Your next line is Hello mister Stone. Or should I say Stoen Qrow.

"Hello mister Stone. Or should I say Stoen Qrow!?"

Ha! My incredible sense for painfully obvious cliches have once again proven it's worth to me.

"How did you know what I was going to say!"

As I slowly glanced at the reﬂective surface of my hand watch, I could see an inhumanly beautiful female humanoid glaring at the back of my head where my eyes would be if I turned around.

I repute to the attractive humanoid thing calmly stating that it is rude to start an introduction without saying their name first.

"Oh I'm sorry, please forgive my poor manners. My name is Alice Helsgate, eldest daughter and heir of the Helsgate family. I believe we haven't had a proper greeting before. But you know who I am don't you mister Stoen?"

Some types of demons have special properties that allow them to bypass any sort of defenses with just a single moment of eye contact. Another amusing fact about these creatures is that they can't use them without conscious effort. If they are too distracted they're incapable of maintaining a proper flow of will through their blood line limit. Knowing this tidbit of knowledge, I did what any other logical man in my position would do.

...? "What are you doing with that vial?"

HOLY WATER ATTACK!

*smack*

Your next line is Aaagh! Wait this isn't holy water, this is-

"Aaagh! Wait this isn't!? You did it again! How did you know what I was going to say!"

Ah. The beauty of being reborn in a twisted yet strangely stable version of reality that is most likely based on the novels of Jim Butcher. Never has my cliche sense failed me and never has the universe failed to amuse me wi th more outrageous cliches.

*smack*

"Aaack! My eyes! You hit my eyes!"

I threw my vial of contact lenses cleaning water as hard as I could at the seemingly female demonic creature and proceeded to hit her in the eyes with a well placed textbook. Eliminating the most prominent danger in your vicinity is the ﬁrst step in accoutering demonic folk. The next step is...

"Hey! Get back here you asshole! I'll put a hole in your stomach!"

to make a strategic retreat as it is advised by a wizard from Chicago.


End file.
